It’s never, or Now.

Journal 2024

Feb 8

“Live in the present, remember the past, fear not the future, for it doesn’t exist and never shall. There is only now.”

— Pg. 361 Eldest, Christopher Paolini

Graduation wasn't a turning point for me. It was this wide open abyss ominously waiting for weeks as I crept toward it. I didn't have a concrete plan like many of my peers. No job prospects or residencies; not even applications put in to either. Instead I was stuck in an endless loop, one that worried about the future, the past, the now. I kept asking how was everyone else so calm, how were they able to focus on all that amidst school and life, when I couldn’t. Heck, maybe they felt the same way, yet no one wanted to say it. I developed this state of paralysis, which I still feel quite often. The last six months or so since I walked off that stage, I've been trying to figure out what's next. Where do I wanna be tomorrow, next year, five years from now? The last four years has been all about art school with a dash of working as a barista, a nanny, an assistant manager. There was so much going on, I didn't seem to have time to think of what I wanted to do when it was all over. I'm not sure I wanted to.

How do we to move on from such a big moment in our lives?

All I've ever wanted was to be an artist, yet the truth is I am an artist. I have been and will always be, no matter what my job title is on my resume. I've been struggling with how I can do both because the reality right now is I can't be a full-time artist, yet. I have to think about what I can be doing now. That's why I've adopted a phrase that lo and behold, I got from Gilmore Girls: A Year in the Life: “It's never, or now.” A concept that you can keep putting something off, or you can do it now. To live in the present instead of never taking that chance. And I can’t stop doing art.

On that note, I'm officially opening my online shop this month where you can buy artworks small or large depending on your budget! There will be bookmarks, mini watercolor booklets, originals on paper, canvas, and wood! Soon, you’ll be able to book art workshops, commission artwork, and possibly book me to paint for events! I’m opening myself up to new possibilities and new challenges this year as an artist so, bear with me as I try to balance my personal and my creative life.