Navigating the Unexpected
Life takes unexpected routes. I’ve known this; I’ve been through quite a bit of mess. I never expected when I graduated art school, it would be the hardest year in my personal life, and as an artist yet.
I've had lulls in my art before, but not like this. Without professors pushing me to paint, I've barely painted anything since graduation. I’ve painted a few watercolors here and there. Only a couple gave me a sense of purpose that I’d had with my other older paintings. Most paintings were to keep me painting, rather than doing nothing. I put off launching my art shop for almost a year, working at the cafe until I thought I had the time to do it. You could say it was imposter syndrome holding me back but, I was also focused on my job as manager at the cafe. When I finally launched my shop, I knew the first year of my shop wasn't going to bring in much revenue. I thought I’d at least see enough to cover the costs of running the site and the licenses. With only a handful of sales made in the first six months, I’m realizing that might not even be true. Also, little did I know how difficult it is to convert your business license to a new state when you move. Plus, the cost to convert it. So you could say, I opened my shop a little too soon but, it seemed the best and only option at the time. You see, I opened my shop expecting to have to put myself fully into it by the end of the year. I’d received some pretty unexpected news that February that made me realize it’s never or now: I found out I was pregnant.
One of the first paintings I did after my loss. I never got any ultrasound pictures of our baby, but I have this.
The shocking news sent me into overdrive to figure out our next move. How we’d still plan on moving back to Ohio; what job I’d have; how we’d both work and take care of a baby. So I decided to open my art shop as soon as possible before the baby came. That way, hopefully I’d already be selling my art and be able to focus on our family with a studio at home. I planned on opening the art shop and posting as much as possible on Instagram to market it. I made lists, took my prenatal vitamins, cut out caffeine, planned out in my head how the next year would play out. I thought planning would help lessen the stress of having a baby but, instead it lead to heartbreak. Did you know 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage? People often mistakenly say 1 in 4 women experience a miscarriage, that’s the statistic I'd heard. I tried not to think it’d be me. The less you think about it, and think positive, the less likely it’s to happen right? Unfortunately, that’s not how it works. Sometimes it just happens, and there’s no explanation why. I was ten weeks along when we found out I’d had a missed miscarriage. All the doctors could tell us was that the baby stopped growing, and there really wasn’t any reason why. I didn’t want to believe them, but I knew in my heart it was probably true. After a loss, there’s nothing really anyone can say to make you feel better about it. And that's okay. All you can do is grieve, and try to move forward. Moving forward hasn’t come easily to me.
I thought going through with our plans to move back to Ohio would help. At least part of the new plan was still going to be fallen through. But I’ve discovered I can never go back to who I was before all of this, I’m someone completely new and raw. The world is more frightening and some days I can’t seem to make it out the front door. I can hardly breathe some minutes. I've started to remake myself, to accept this new version of me. I don’t know her, but I'm beginning to. This new me, is trying to find the joy in simple things. Drinking a cup of coffee. In the water while swimming. In the rush of wake-surfing. In the quiet moments cuddling the cats and Kyle who sat with me through everything over the past six months. I’d like to say I’ve been using painting to work through the pain but, most days I could hardly pick up a paintbrush. It’s only recently that I’ve been able to sit and paint full watercolors. Painting has been always been a reflection of my own life and spiritual path but, I’m not sure how to paint like that anymore. So, I’ve been focusing on nature and finding my flow again. In the meantime, I’ve started working as a Media Manager part-time. This new role opened my eyes to how I needed to make changes for my own marketing and website. It pushed me to start making reels again of my process and create new items for my online shop. Encouragement from family and this new job, pushed me to get out of the apartment to see the outside world again. To start living again.
I wasn't sure I wanted to let the world know until now; I wanted to grieve in private. Sometimes that's what you need. Owning my truth is part of my healing journey. It's how I move forward in my life and in my artistic process. While I never expected to be navigating this path, it’s still my own. I want to continue finding the beauty in the mess of it. So, as always, stay tuned for more mess & beauty…
Tessa Jeanne
October was the month of my baby’s due date; it also happens to be Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Month. If you've lost a baby or loved one, know my heart is with you. Healing from loss is never an easy process, and I haven’t been able to do it alone. Close loved ones helped me to see the light and bring back beauty when all I could see was a mess. They allowed me to live in my darkness when I needed to because sometimes that’s what you need.
If you're looking for resources on pregnancy & infant loss, the book, All the Love, helped me tremendously. I’ll list a few instagrams that have helped me as well. There are thousands of other resources out there, you just have to find the one that’s right for your healing journey. Grief is universal, so just know that you are not alone in it. Allow yourself to grieve in your own time, in your own way.
Instagrams I’ve followed in my healing journey (may not be the ones for you as everyone is different. Somedays it’s hard for me to be on social media at all):
@wishiwasntinthisclub , @whatsyourgrief , @alexiajerickson , @indiabatson , @havenmiscarriageclinic
And a special thank you to Nolia Jewelry for creating my beautiful Mama’s Garden necklace so I could always remember my October baby.
